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August 9th, 2015

05:10 pm: Old wounds
It's funny how there was a time when I used to think that some wounds wouldn't fade with time. Once upon a time, I felt as though the things that once pained me would continue to hurt just as badly for the rest of my life. I genuinely believed that my life would become just a carcass littered with painful scars that would remain there until the day I died - never relenting and never ceasing.
I was very very wrong.
Yesterday I moved back home from school and will be living at home for the next 4 months while I work at a nearby college for my co-op term. Because of that, I had an opportunity today to look through my drawers for the first time in a really long time - probably since grade 11. And wow, let me tell you, it's really weird. I'm finding stuff that I couldn't even remember having. Like, why did I keep an old broken moodring? And why didn't I ever burn this candle that I got as a present for Christmas in 2008?
And then I found it: the McDuff washcloth. Now, incase I never did write about it, let me explain. When Shawn went in Australia for a summer, I asked him to get me a souvenier because, as a preteen, going anyplace outside of Canada seemed like a great feat and Australia especially seemed like a lifetime away. And what did he bring back? A washcloth that he found stranded on a beach that said McDuff. I remember being more than a little unimpressed with this souvenier, despite how funny he thought it was. Like really Shawn, you couldn't have just went and bought me a keychain or a shirt like a normal person? You had to bring me home some washcloth that was likely thrown out in the garbage at one time? Either way, I kept this washcloth on my dresser. When he passed away though, I must have thrown it in my bottom drawer because looking at it hurt too much. The same goes for the moodring, and the number of other treasures that I found in there from times long past. Whenever something turned from a good memory into a painful reminder, I just stuffed it in the drawer. It seems like a really stupid response when I think about it now, but as a kid, I guess it made sense.
When I look at these things now, I don't feel the same sharp pain that I did back then. Yes, it may bring back memories, but most of the time, it's the happier times that stand out to me. It's not the fact that I was pissed off about my souvenier from Australia that really sticks out - although thinking about that makes me laugh because I realize now how cheap he was (just like me nowadays) - but how proud he was when I showed him the soccer championship trophy that my team won that summer and how he trapped me in my room shortly after he came home by licking every door knob and shutting the doors from the outside.
Yes, some memories still hurt and are more fresh then others, and yes, some pain will never completely go away. But life is so much more than pain. I am 22 and while it's true that I've experienced some awful things in my life, I also feel like I've made so many good memories with the people I've met, the places I've been, and the things that I've done. Even during the bad times, there were always small moments that made me smile too; staying up until dawn talking on the phone; creating complex, overly complicated stories; graduating high school after clawing your way back up to earn that dipolma; going camping with my friends and watching the stars; laughing with co-workers about something stupidly funny that you just saw; playing with my dogs in a field; learning about things in university that I could have only dreamed about understanding when I was younger. All of these things help encourage me to keep going and in a way, distract me from the bad things that happen and have happened to me. They help give me the strength to keep moving forward and to not keep constantly looking back with regret and sadness.
It's true that life isn't perfect and that it never will be, but never forget to look at the good things and give yourself permission to enjoy them. Trust me, it can make an awful moment into a better one that one day you can look back on with a smile.

Current Location: At home
Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
Current Music: Swimming - Peal and the Beard

July 6th, 2013

08:07 pm: Sweet Summer Sunshine!
Warm summer evenings like this are always this best. I just love the feeling of the setting sun on my body and knowing that tomorrow is going to be just like it was today: warm, bright, and beautiful.
This summer has been both tiring and productive so far I think. My surgery in May went as well as can be expected (I still have all the same symptoms as before) and my doctor told me that this is the last time that he'll be able to operate on me again because I have so much scar tissue. If I need to have another surgery, I'll be going downtown Toronto. I've also been taking an online course in my spare time from my university called Gender Issues that will count towards my minor. It's been so interesting and I'm enjoying it so much! Too bad it'll involve a final exam, which I'm not looking forward to. I guess that's just the price you have to pay when going to school. Finally, I managed to get a summer job after so much worrying that I wouldn't be able to! I actually managed to get two and I had to turn one down. The one I declined was a factory job and I couldn't do it because I would have to start shortly after my surgery and I was supposedly on "bed rest" (pssshhh, as if). So, I'm working at a coffee shop in the next town over. It's not bad. I'm getting over 40 hours of work a week, which is well beyond what I ever would've dreamed of when I was searching! The people who work there are also extremely nice, which is good. I tell you, I have a newfound respect for those who make their living doing this kind of work. I've had some people be so rude to me, especially in the drive-through. Just two days ago, we had one of the busiest days ever and I was presenting the orders on drive-through and this girl snapped at me when I handed her her tea biscuit:
Terrible girl: I asked for it heated, not toasted.
Me: Oh, sorry! Hold on, I'll get them to make you a new one.
Terrible girl: (ATTITUDE) No, it's fine I guess. But you guys should actually try and listen to your customers for once. It's not that hard.
Me: I'm really sorry about that. We try our best.
Terrible girl: Well your best isn't good enough! (continues to yell while driving away)
I mean, really? Sometimes I really just don't understand people... Still, I don't let those people get me down. I'm making money for school, working with some great people, and am having a nice, enjoyable summer. What more could I expect?

Current Location: Home
Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: CLAYMORE -Gackt

April 23rd, 2013

04:55 pm: Bye bye first year
So today is a happy and a sad day. I finished both my final exam and completed my first year of university before noon and have spent the afternoon split between starting to pack up my room and reading outside. I'm actually really sad to leave this place. It's been my home for 8 months and I feel as though I've just started to really get used to everything here. I've made friends who I can hang out with and who I feel comfortable with. I've learned to balance work and play really well. And now it's all gone.
Okay, I know that it's not "all gone", but that's what it feels like, since next year a lot of people aren't coming back to residence and won't even be around any more. It's like the moment I get settled, it's time to literally take off again, and that makes me sad. I know it'll be alright: next year I know a handful of great people who are coming back to residence, I've got my single room already assigned, I'll be a leader on the Student Activities Team, and I'll get to take some awesome classes. So it will be fine. There's just always the worry that I'm going to look back on this year and think that this was the best it ever was in university and that it's all downhill from here. Again, just typing out my feelings here without much of a filter, so much of this is just useless worries that will work itself out.
Then there's coming home. I can't WAIT to see my animals again regularly. I missed them so much! It'll be nice to be able to go for long walks without having to figure out beforehand how on earth I'm going to get back to my res. and which bus I'll need to take to do that. There is one problem though, and it's got me nearly shaking in my boots: a job. I need one. BADLY. I've sent out so many resumes that I can't even count. There are very few places that are looking for seasonal employees, and the few that are hiring for this are being filled by people who have previously worked there or are family members of the full-time workers. I haven't found anyone willing to hire me. In fact, a few jobs that I've applied for and received replies asking me to set up an interview have never gotten back to me after I did just that. It's so frustrating, because if you found someone else, at least have the common curtesy to tell me that so I'm not sitting on the other end waiting and thinking that there's still a chance of being hired. And then there are the people who just say, "well can't you just go back to the grocery store?" No. No, I can't. If I went back then I'd start at the VERY BOTTOM of the list and have to work my way back up again. I'd also be working part-time too, which isn't going to amount to much. By the time I'd be getting anywhere near 20 hours a week (which is half of what I'm looking for), it'll be time for me to go again! My mind just keeps on going over what will happen if I don't get a job. I need that money to go back to school in the fall, or else I'll have to rely entirely on OSAP and I don't want that. I'm terrified that if I can't get hired, my second year will go up in smoke.
The other problem with coming home is my surgery in May. I have been waiting almost a year for this surgery and because there is a recovery time afterwards, I'm going to be down and out for at least a few days. I know that this later starting date is a problem with a lot of potential employers but it's not as if I can do anything about it.
The last thing I'll share is about my friends. While at university I somehow lost track of a few of my closest friends. I know exactly how it happened: I got caught up in my life here at school and slowly just lost touch. I admit, I'm even a little scared now to restart the communication because I feel embarrassed about just completely falling off the radar and not knowing anything anymore. It's stupid of me to feel embarrassed about it, but I do and I need to deal with that if I'm going to reach out again. It's so important to me that I have these people in my life because, even if I haven't done so before, I've thought about them so much over this last year and I miss them so much. So I think that that should be my goal for this summer: reconnect with the people that matter and the people who mean a lot to me.
Overall, I can say that freshman year was a blast. I absolutely love university and cannot wait to come back for second year (I write as I am still here). Bye first year! I'll miss you!

Click for me screwing around with my webcamCollapse )

Current Location: My Room
Current Mood: bittersweet
Current Music: call -Ayumi Hamasaki

February 23rd, 2013

08:50 pm: Reading Week
So I've spent all this last week, which I've been looking forward to for nearly a month, sick as a dog. I got home Friday afternoon, like I usually do whenever I come home for the weekend, and everything was fine. I felt good and was really excited for a much needed rest. I've been working my mind and body really hard this semester at school and through all the fitness classes I'm doing. Why am I doing so much fitness? I've discovered that I can't stand have nothing to do for long periods of time: my mind goes wild and it's just not worth it. I don't think I've been overdoing myself either, which is something that I admit I am notorious for doing. So I've been keeping myself preoccupied with a mix of school and fitness, which has been a really good combination as far as my grades are concerned. Last semester I finished with an 85% average, which I was really excited about. People always say that your grade average drops at least 10 or 20% when you go to university, so it was a pleasant surprise to see that it has only dropped by a measly 1% instead. So, anyways, for reading week I had planned to catch up on some reading (not that I had a lot, I just wanted to get ahead so as not to get swamped around mid-terms), do some zumba (that's the one fitness class I can't fit into my school schedule), catch up with some friends, and finish my history essay (due Feb. 26). Needless to say, that didn't work out too well.
I spent Friday night on the bathroom floor-and not from drinking, though god I wish. It just came on really suddenly and that was that. I was out for 2 days after that and feeling pretty badly for 2 days after that. Fun, huh? Sound like the kind of circumstances that I could be productive in? Nope! The only thing that I really managed to do was work on my essay. I'll be done it later tonight with plenty of time for lots of much needed editing. The stupidest part is that now I've got another one of my lovely head colds. Oh well, I guess that's why it's good to be flexible.
I've got some exciting things coming up in the next little bit. Over the next month, I'll be declaring my major as psychology, hopefully in the co-op stream. I'm also going to be going to a musical later in March with my parents, and I always look forward to those. I'll also be looking for a summer job that I can start in May after my surgery. So there will be plenty of little things to keep me going until it's finally warm again! God, on a cold, yucky night like tonight I can only dream of warmth!

Current Location: At Home
Current Mood: sicksick
Current Music: SPY -Super Junior

December 19th, 2012

08:27 pm: It's okay now!
Sasha is okay. The vets have no idea what happened to her and she has no observable signs that anything is wrong. So she's home now and seems to be just fine. I'm so happy that my husky-bum is okay!

Current Location: At Home
Current Mood: thankfulthankful
Current Music: Bless the Broken Road -Rascal Flatts
06:20 pm: Oh my god. Momsi and I just got back from Barrie and we walked in to see Sasha on the ground having a seisure. My husky does not have seisures. Oh my god, Sasha you are not allowed to do this to me, not now. You have to come home tonight from the vets and you have to be okay. I will not lose you!

November 25th, 2012

05:00 pm: Almost there
So my first semester in university is almost over. Phew. I'm still a little conflicted about whether or not I think it went by quickly or not. On one hand, I realize that everyone who's still in high school still has almost another whole month before they are through, but, on the other hand, I'm tired. Therefore, I'm leaning more towards not. It's been pretty good overall, even with the few hiccups that happened along the way. I've learned a lot, although I think more about myself than any particular topic. For instance, I learned that I LOVE multiple choice tests with no essay questions. They are by far my favourite tests, if such a thing can even exist (I mean, seriously, who rates the kinds of tests that they prefer?). I've learned that I'm pretty independent and like it that way. I've learned that I still love psychology, which is good, since I'm planning to major in it and all. And finally, I've learned that my anxiety disorder, unfortunately, still exists and can manifest itself in strange ways. During tests is a given for me, since I've always had nerves during examinations of any kind, but also for social events like yesterday's formal. Seriously, I was so nervous that it was borderline ridiculous. I knew that I was going to have fun and all, but for some reason my head refused to believe me, if that makes any sense. In the end I had an amazing time and was really glad that I went, so, as usual, my nervousness was for nothing.
I've gotten involved in as many things as I physically could this term, which is sure to continue next semester as well. I've become a student ambassador and now give tours to prospective students, something that I actually find myself enjoying an awful lot, which is a bit of a surprise. I mean, I knew that I'd like it, I just didn't think that I'd get this into it. Anyways, I've also become what's called a Frost Week leader, which is apart of a group of people who plan events during the first week of second semester, kind of like what happened during Frosh week but in winter. We're only just getting started but I'm sure it'll be a good experience.
So there we have it. I'm still alive and kicking! And soon, with winter break coming up, I'll have lots of time to sleep, read (books that I actually want to read!), and relax. Despite the fact that I'm not a huge Christmas fan and am not looking forward to that aspect of winter break, I am looking forward to those things.

Current Location: In my Dorm
Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: Missing -Ayumi Hamasaki

October 9th, 2012

10:10 pm: Midterms, DO NOT WANT!
So UoW... what's up with these "midterm things"? I don't know, they're kind of inconvenient, don't you think? I think maybe you guys should just cancel them. Forever. You'd be saving yourselves the trouble really. So come on. Please?

Well, if you can't tell by that little plead above this week officially marks the beginning of midterms at school. Honestly, I shouldn't be complaining. I'm an arts kid. It's not like I'm in math or engineering where they have thousands of questions and problem sets to do on top of their midterm tests. And no, I only wish I was exaggerating about that for their sakes but I'M NOT (Okay, in all fairness maybe I am but you can't blame me I'm an arts kid and therefore I have the artistic license to be ~creative~). All I really have is a few tests and a history essay due tomorrow. So all in all it's not too bad. At least I still have time to do my fitness classes, like yoga and zumba and running, and I can still function normally. Trust me, I've heard some pretty awful stories from people who have to literally place themselves into isolation in order to get everything done. I've also tried really hard to keep up with all of my readings and all of my assignments. So far I've only had one fly under my radar and I still got that done in plenty of time and it's all ready to hand in. The big test that's coming up for me is psychology. I'm trying my hardest, but there's so much material to cover! I guess all I can do is keep trying my hardest! Wish me luck!

Current Location: My Dorm
Current Music: Truth about Love -P!nk

September 18th, 2012

06:39 pm: Sleep is Good
So this morning I woke up at 7am to go out and join the running club for a morning jog. Unfortunettly it was pouring buckets so me, in my infinite wisdom, decided to go back to bed. I planned on waking up at around 9am so I could work on my sociology paper due later that day. Makes sense, right? It did to me.
What actually happened was this: I woke up at 11:26am with 4 minutes to get dressed, throw my contacts on (literally), grab my books, and run to class, which just so happened to start at 11:30am. The coolest thing is that it worked. I got to class with a few seconds to spare and nobody (other than Corah) knew what had just happened.
I can't tell you how many times I've heard about this kind of thing happening at university/college/post-secondary school. It honestly seems like a right of passage, or something along those lines. If that's the case then, have I just experienced a beautiful, life-affirming moment? I feel like the answer is probably no, but I'm going to pretend like it was.
I feel enlightened now.

Current Location: In my Dorm
Current Mood: productiveproductive
Current Music: Try -P!nk

September 8th, 2012

03:45 pm: University = Cool! Really!
Whew! What a week! I am SO happy and proud to say that I LOVE university life here! It is amazing. The people are amazing, including our lovely don. It makes such a big difference when everyone actually wants to be doing what they're doing. Everything is more genuine that way and it certainly makes all the first years feel a lot more comfortable.
Anyways I had a ton of fun this week. The Block Party with St. Pauls, CG, Rension, and SJ was definately my favourite event of the week but there was always fun to be had no matter where you were. I met some really cool people in my residence and had a blast hanging out with them at some of the events like Roller Skating and Variety Night. Monte Carlo was packed and none of us could get in without standing for two and a half hours outside in line. By the time we finally did get in, they had run completely out of mocktails and everything else, save the fake gambling, was over. Oh well. It was a memory, and I'll know better in the future.
So today I went to the football game. We lost. I think. I left at half time because it started to rain and I was cold. From what I've heard though, I think we lost. Still, it was awesome! I will definately be a sports fan here! In honour of my athletic supportership (if this isn't a word it is now), here's a picture of me done up in my gear with my game-ready face:

Okay, maybe not my most game-ready face, but there it is nonetheless. That's also my dorm room, in case you couldn't tell! It's much bigger than what it looks like and much better decorated too!
Next Monday will be the first day of classes for the school. I'm actually, believe it or not, looking forward to starting classes. As much as I've loved all the fun stuff going on during Orientation, it's been exhausting, and I'll be really glad to develop a normal routine. The classes I have enrolled in also sound really interesting and totally up my alley interest-wise.
I'm actually about to head home any minute now. My folks are picking me up to spend the night at home. They've been really great during this whole thing too. I couldn't have asked for more supportive parents or other resources this week!

Current Location: My Room
Current Mood: excitedexcited
Current Music: Harden my Heart -Quarterflash
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