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September 4th, 2012

04:36 pm: Random Thoughts of a Freshman
Just a forewarning that none of these thoughts are serious. They are all random things that jumped into my head for one reason or another and just made me go, "Did I really just think that?" Anyways, enjoy, or rather shake your head at these musings.

At the illusionist show
"Sleeping with an illusionist would either be really entertaining or get really old really quick. It would be like, 'Ta-daa~~!!! Look at what I magically made appear out of thin air!' Not to mention that they would always be speaking in that strange announcers voice. Then there's that habit of sawing things in half. Talk about awkward fourplay..."

Introducing myself to someone in math
Me: "Hi! I'm Sarah! I'm in Honours Arts! Ooh, I like your faculty bracelet! Which one are you in?"
Person: "I'm in Math."
Me: "..."
Person: "Did you find calculus or advanced functions harder?"
Me: "I don't do math... (sidesteps away)"

Our special chant:
Them: "SJ"
Us: "You know!"
Me: "I know what?"

Me upon walking into my room
"I wonder if I can somehow jam open the window so I can go out onto the roof?"

Practicing trombone outside
Guy: "HE-EY!!!"
Me: "Huh? (watches him running over)"
Guy: "A fellow trombonist! I used to play in high school."
Me (what I think): "Nice! Another boner! What's your range?"
Me (what I actually say): "Cool! Trombones are the best, right?"

Seriously, some of the weirdest thoughts come to me at the weirdest times for no particular reason. I think part of my need to write some of these down stems from the fact that I'm missing a lot of my friends whom I would have told these things to. Especially for my friends from school, at home, and other places. I am okay here, but I feel as though I'd really like to talk to them, even if just for a few minutes a few times a week. The only problem is that everyone I know is fairly busy either with their school, work, or just in general. I'd hate to intrude. Maybe one of these days I'll just send a quick email and tell them to get on Skype because A) it's free to download, but mainly B) I miss them, or something corny like that. 
I'm slowly trying to establish a routine for myself, which is really hard considering that it's orientation week and our lives are basically pre-scheduled for us for the next week. It has been fun, especially roller skating last night, which I still have blisters from, but part of the time I can't help thinking that I want classes to just start. That way I'd at least be able to get used to my actual schedule, rather than having to adjust AGAIN after this week is done. I'm coming home on Saturday after the football game though, which will be a really nice break before classes start on Monday.
So, anyways, those were my random thoughts/occurences for the last 3 days. Awkward? Yes. Strange? You bet. A cry of loneliness? Not quite, but I definitely need my friends right now to help me get through this transition. After that maybe I'll feel more comfortable voicing my unneccesary comments aloud for people to laugh and joke about.

Current Location: University
Current Mood: okayokay
Current Music: ONE OF A KIND -G-Dragon

August 31st, 2012

10:53 pm: Open to the future
To be quite honest, I'm pretty nervous right now. This feeling seems to come in waves now -sometimes I'm worse and sometimes I'm perfectly fine. This is borderline normal for me, albeit I haven't experienced it in a very long time. I'm working almost all day tomorrow and then on Sunday I'll be heading up to school. Now, my head understands that I'm only going to be gone for a week and that I'll be coming home on the Saturday after the football game, but my body does not. My head also knows that I'm going to be perfectly fine, but, again, my body does not. I'll be okay. I guess it's just going to take awhile.
So, anyways, my summer has been pretty unexciting. At least, I don't think that many others would find it to be very interesting. I went to the zoo (not the Toronto one, but a smaller one that's closer), I read two trilogies, and a few other lone books, went to a party, went to a bonfire, and relaxed in the sun for endless hours. It's funny though, because I don't have even the slightest bit of a tan. It seems as though no matter what I do I am doomed to be a pasty white kid forever! URGH!
Over anything else though I've worked. It hasn't been all bad, but overall I've learned that I do not want to be a cashier for the rest of my life. I just wouldn't be able to do it. It would drive me crazy!
So, therefore, going to school and getting a higher education so I could get a better and more enjoyable job makes sense, right? I guess part of it has to do with how expensive it all is. I know that it's meant to be an investment but holy crap it's like signing away my soul!
I guess this is the part where I'm supposed to share what exactly it is I want to do with my life, and what it is that I want to achieve out of my education. Well, here it goes... I want to become a child's psychologist. I know, kind of weird, considering that it's pretty common knowledge that I never want to have kids. Ever. But, here's the thing: working with them would be different. Or at least I feel that it would be. Anyways, I'm getting off topic. The reason why I want to pursue this odd career path is because of what I've been through. When I was a kid I underwent mental health issues that have continued to affect me even to this day. Throughout my treatment though, I have learned so many skills and techniques that have been so helpful to not only myself, but my family as well. This got me thinking that these kinds of skills should be accessible to all kids because they are truly life lessons, if nothing else. I'd like to do this job. I'd like to provide some guidance to kids who are dealing with tough problems or times in their life because, trust me, I'd understand and get where they'd be coming from. That makes a big difference in the quality of treatment that a person receives and also the amount of trust that that person has towards that professional. All in all, I want to help kids in the same way that I was helped when I got into trouble.
Ultimately, I'd like to also have an animal partner work alongside me. Ideally a dog. This is mainly because, in my experience, I think that kids would be more keen to trust and speak to an animal before doing so with an adult. At least, initially, given that the kid has no bad experience with that animal.
When I would begin to work with these kids would be up for discussion, but I feel as though the earlier you could start to teach them these lifelong tools, the better. Ideally, what I'd like to do is work with small groups or classes of kids at a time and establish myself as a safe person to talk to about whatever is happening in their life, whether that would be school, parents, siblings, bullies, or anything else. Additionally, I'd also like to make my afternoons available to see kids one on one either by appointment or at the request of a teacher or a parent.
I'd also like to work a bit with parents. I think that there is simply too much information out there about mental health for people to sort through and know what's right for their situation and their child. Therefore, I'd like to run volunteer-only after school or before school meetings with parents to vaguely discuss the tools that I have been working on building for their kids. Also, if there was ever a need to discuss a more private issue dealing with their individual child, I'd like to be available to do that.
So that's my train of thought... for now. These things change, I know that, and I may have a completely different idea in a few years or even a few months or weeks. Who knows? I'll keep an open mind to all possibilities.

Current Location: At Home
Current Mood: okayokay
Current Music: Tell me why -Ayumi Hamasaki

June 4th, 2012

08:31 pm:
   “Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.”
   Dr. Seuss

I love this saying. I love this saying so much that I sometimes cry when I read it. It's a saying that I wish I understood. But I don't. I can't force myself to pretend as though my happy memories are enough keep me comfort as I carry on through my day to day life. They aren't. At all. I indulge on them and choke them down until I feel like I'm going to burst. But I don't and after I'm through I'm still left hungry for more. The hunger consumes me at times, like last Thursday for instance, when I was driving home after my last OCB practice. It gave me no warning whatsoever, and just swallowed me up. I sobbed almost the whole way home to the point where I couldn't see straight. I should have pulled over, but I didn't. I had to keep moving, keep pushing, and hope that sooner or later, like always, the feeling would pass. When it finally did I was sitting outside on the front porch staring up at the stars. I didn't want to go inside the way I was. There was no point.
I wish I could understand how to smile and make it all okay. I wish I could learn how to go through such a happy and proud experience and not come out thinking, "I wish you were here" or wondering what you would think. Would you be happy? Proud? Would you give your approval? I'll never know and that makes it even worse.

Please don't misunderstand what I'm saying here: I am very proud to have accepted such a prestigious award tonight from the mayor. It was an honour and I especially appreciated the speech given about always having a place here at home and maybe coming back to one day help improve the area in whatever way possible. It touched me deeply in a way that I can't really express. This entire thing is just me venting. I need to do that sometimes.

Current Location: At Home
Current Mood: sadsad
Current Music: how beautiful you are -Ayumi Hamasaki

May 19th, 2012

06:05 pm: Welcome back to reality
Wow, who knew that it had been so long since I last posted an entry on here? I guess I owe an explanation for my absense, don't I?
Well, this year I've been doing my high school victory lap, all the while taking classes that normally I would dare not go near with a ten foot pole. This mainly refers to the bunch of math-based courses that I've chosen to take this year, all because I thought it would look good on my transcript. I'll come back to that part soon. During this school year, I've also been across Europe (I'll post some pictures of my trip at the bottom of this entry) and have been working as much as I can to earn some badly needed money. Why is this money badly needed? Again, I'll come back to it. In addition to all of this stuff, I've also been studying and learning World History independently so I could take the big university standard test, which was last Thursday. I can't even express how ridiculously happy I am to be through with that! It was really interesting, and I'm glad that I did what I did, but it's one thing off of my long list of things to do. I am also REALLY glad to be able to focus my entire attention on the 21st century, oh present day life, I've missed you so!
So, as you can see between school, working, and studying I've been kind of overwhelmed with everything. I can't exactly lie and say that everything's been smooth sailing. It hasn't been, but I know that nothing in life, especially my life, never is and that perfection in regards to people is a fictional myth. I guess I can sum up the last few months by saying this: they haven't nessesarily been unhappy.
Now, back to that thing that I've been putting off. Are you ready, because to be honest, I'm barely ready and I've been mulling this around in my head since January when I first got the notice. I. GOT. INTO. UNIVERSITY!!!! In fact I got into all of my options that I selected, UoG, UoT Sc., Trent, and UoWat! I could barely believe it! For one thing, all of the programs that I applied to highly reccomended that I have a grade 12 U-level math credit, which I don't, hense my struggle to get one throughout the year. But despite that little fact, they all let me in and have been persistantly following me ever since. They want ME! It's something that I never thought would happen to me in a billion years. They actually want me, to go to their school: post-secondary school!! Never before in my life have I pictured me: Sarah, actually aspiring to go to university. It wasn't a future that I even contemplated for a second. But now, it's actually happening and as of this fall I will be going to UoWat to study psychology. My ultimate goal is to become a registered psychologist, who works with children work through any problems that they may have before they have a chance to develop into a really big adult problem. I believe that kids' minds and their behaviour are more easily changed, because they don't have any preconceived notions about the world. At least, that's what I believe right now: we'll see just how well it holds up after actual education in the field.
I also have other plans, or ideas I guess seems more appropriate of a word, that have been bouncing around in my head for the last few months. I want to travel more. I want to take my education to other parts of the globe: London, Japan (seriously, I don't really care where it is in Japan, so long as it's a city in Japan!), New York, and maybe even places in France, Germany, or other parts of the world. After seeing the small bit of the world that I have, I'm hungry for more of it and I figure that if I'm going to spend so many years in university, I may as well have fun with it! I'm also considering becoming a Zumba instructor, since the lady who leads the class that I've been taking with my Momsi told me that I'd be good at it. It would also help me make some money during school, on top of possibly taking a part time job as well, which never hurts. But that last part of the plan has just been proposed over the last few weeks, so it may or may not happen. Just another possibility to put out there.
It feels strange, thinking about the future and actually trying to imagine myself there. I've never really been able to do that before, and I especially haven't after losing Shawn. I've just decided that you can't just sit around waiting for life to come to you. It doesn't work like that. The world's cruel and is not going to offer you anything unless you get out there and put everything into chasing what it is that you want. Even if you're not sure whether it's what you want, chasing something is better than chasing nothing. I'd rather die knowing that I stood for something rather than not. It means that I've lived and if there's anything that I think that Shawn would want for me to do, I think that living is it. I have no false pretenses about what I am attempting to enter into. It will not be an easy slide to the finish, that much I'm sure. But I do know that in order to fly you have to learn to fall, and after everything I've been through, I'd like to think that I've had my fair share of falling. It's time for me to soar. Or at least try to. I'm kind of failing trying to picture myself actually at university, but at least I'm trying. I guess trying is better than not. After all, when you try there is a chance of success. If you don't try than you have no chance of succeeding, no matter what it is. I guess that's the most important part.

Some Europe pictures:

Current Location: At Home
Current Mood: complacentcomplacent
Current Music: Tell me why -Ayumi Hamasaki

February 10th, 2012

07:50 pm: I think that it's important for everyone to know that sporks are the coolest

Because I'm kind enough to hide this...Collapse )

Current Location: At Home
Current Mood: hyperhyper
Current Music: Escalate -Koda Kumi

November 10th, 2011

12:21 am: Jetting Off!
Well folks, that's it. My bags are packed and I'm officially ready to go on my cross-Europe adventure! I'm super excited for it and I can't wait to get there! Until then, I know that I should go to bed and get some sleep (I probably won't but I'll give it the "old college try"!). Anyways, wish me luck and I'll update again when I get home!

Current Location: At Home
Current Mood: excitedexcited
Current Music: Welcome to the Black Parade -My Chemical Romance

October 29th, 2011

05:46 pm: If I Said that I Missed You, Would You Tell me the Same?

My god, yesterday was probably one of the busiest days in a while! I've been doing my best to fill out this scholarship in my spare time, so that I could have it ready to mail off well before the deadline date, but it turns out that I messed up a few things. Firstly, I was confused about what day of the week it was and secondly, I didn't notice the tiny subtext at the bottom of the form that said that it was neccessary to send a transcript with your application. So I spent the day running around the school trying to get a copy of my transcript, which normally takes 2 days to process, so that I could send it all off to Ottawa so it could arive by the deadline on Monday. Surprisingly, I managed to do it which was a huge weight off of my shoulders. I know that I have literally no chance of getting the scholarship, but I will never know unless I try.
Last night was pretty busy also, since I officially graduated from high school and received my diploma at commencement! It was such a great night and it was amazing to see everyone again! I love all those guys so much, they're just the greatest group of people ever. I also got awards last night, which was definately one of the coolest parts that I never really expected. I got honours for the first time ever in high school, the Keldon United Church Prize for having "perservence and determination in the pursuit of graduating", a school letter, the Lieutenant Governor's Community Volunteer Award for doing the CDDHS Veterans' memorial, and finally, the Patrick Heslip Passionate Historian Award. The last award was the one that really took my breath away. Pat was one of Shawn's best friends and when he died Shawn and his friend Mike Lucci went out of their way to create a memorial award on his behalf. They decided to buy a trophy that was "as big as the Stanely cup", since Pat loved hockey. I didn't actually get to see the trophy, since it wasn't on stage when I received received it, but the fact that I won the very same award that Shawn helped put together was enough to make me want to bawl my eyes out on the stage. I didn't, but rather than going out to party at Ben's house with the rest of my friends, I decided that it was best to go home and have some alone time. It was an emotional and surreal night for me, that's for sure. I'm truly honored to have won the awards that I did and it makes me feel proud that all of my hard work made a difference.
This next week is going to pretty busy too, though I don't think that it will be as bad as last. I need to make some last minute preparations for my Europe trip (which will be the week after next, eek!), prepare for my chemistry test on Wednesday, work on Friday, go to a university openhouse on Saturday, do soccer training on Sunday (and pick up my paycheque there too) and then play trombone and make a speech in two separate concerts all on the same day. Yep, it'll be busy. But you know what? I wouldn't have it any other way.

Current Location: At Home
Current Mood: cheerfulcheerful
Current Music: This is Twice Now -Lydia

August 23rd, 2011

05:45 pm: Summer Success
I can hardly believe this. This summer has been incredible for me because I've managed to get so much stuff done! First I finished the grade 11 biology credit, the last credit that I need to graduate. Then I got myself a job where I've actually received compliments from customers that the head office has placed in my file. I've also gotten to keep up my volunteering at the dog kennel, so I've had my fair share of puppy tails/tales, but I never EVER thought in a billion years that I would manage to get this accomplished too on top of everything else. Today about an hour ago I.... GOT MY DRIVER'S LICENSE!!!! I can hardly believe it! I was so nervous but I actually have it! I mean, not like I can actually drive anywhere yet, what with not being on my Mom's insurance for her car, but by tommorrow I will be! God, it's so exciting! I have it! I actually have it!

Current Location: At Home
Current Mood: ecstaticecstatic
Current Music: progress -Ayumi Hamasaki

July 6th, 2011

03:37 pm: HALLELUJA!!!!!! x10000
 Oh my god, I can barely type my hands are spazzing out so much. It's... I could hardly believe it... hell, I can still hardly believe it but it must be true, or else I wouldn't have been told it straight from the horses' mouths like that. Okay, okay, so let me try and explain. I had just gotten off of my cashier training shift and was taking a stroll with my Momsi downtown to pick up my meds, when all of a sudden something caught the corner of my eye while going past the bakery. I turned and saw Ms. Codd literally running towards me with Orford following behind in hot pursuit. I was surprised and said hello, of course being a little confused as to why they were so excited to see me. Then I heard it: the magical words that took my breath away.

"Have you heard yet Sarah? You got a 4!"

Of course I was happy and gave a shout and a little dance, but inside my inner dialogue was totally

"Wait... 4? Hold on here... a 4? But that means HOLY $%^&*()*&!?!?!?! OH MY GOD I got a $%^&* 4!! BLOODY FRIGGEN HELL I GOT A 4! I AM LIKE A GOD NOW! I AM LITERALLY AN UNBEATABLE #^&*(*^%$# BEAST NOW! OOOOOHHHHHH MMMMYYYYYY GGGGAAAWWWDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!"

Let me be honest about this right now. I am still doing that right now. After all of the friggen hard work I spent slaving over that textbook, doing homework, studying, working after school, before school, during lunch, in New York, in Japan, and it was all totally WORTH IT! Seriously, this has got to be the BEST DAY EVERRRRRRRRR!!!!!!

Current Location: At Home
Current Mood: ecstaticecstatic x100000000000000
Current Music: Sunshine Lollipops and Rainbows!!!!

June 27th, 2011

12:50 am: Camping with Music isn't Cheating, it's Innovative
 Oh my god. What a semester and what a weekend. Geez, if I didn't feel dead before, than I sure as hell do now. I don't think that I've ever worked as hard as I have these last two semesters, especially this last one. It's been a complete and total roller coaster ride from the very start. I finished four credits in one class, worked my butt off in AP history, kept up with all my bands and my volunteering, gotten sick so many times that I can't even say, and I've even managed to catch up on credits so that I can now graduate with my friends.
I had eighteen credits at the beginning of this year. Only eighteen: barely past the halfway point to being able to graduate. Now, I'm all caught up. I never, ever believed that I'd graduate. Ever since grade six I thought that I was going to be doomed to drop out of high school. School's just never been my thing. I don't like sitting in classrooms learning about things that I don't have any interest in and than only feeling stupid whenever I do badly on tests and assignments because I can't force myself to engage in anything that I don't care about. I hate to read, I hate to do math, and I hate trying to convince myself to grin and bear it day after day after day. That was my experience with school for a while. But, you know what? It was mainly because I kept making it that way. The more I just assumed that it would be like that, the harder things got for me. But then... all of a sudden, I realized that nobody was against me in the high school. In fact, quite the opposite really, they wanted me to do well and they were willing to do anything and everything to help me do good. They were willing to work with me, not against me or for me, but hand in hand with me, so long as I tried. And now, after a whole lot of trying and pushing myself more and more each day, it's finally starting to pay off.
I'm not going to lie though, this year has taken a pretty bad toll on me health wise. I've been stressed beyond belief, getting and feeling sick more and more often and overall, just feeling like crap. Thank god I've got a whole team of doctors trying to diagnose me. Apparently according to my new breathing doctor, I'm her very first patient who has come in and nobody else can understand what's wrong. Specialists and doctors alike are flabbergasted at my symptoms and the severity of them. It feels like having wet cement poured down your throat and then trying to play instruments, and think, and function without coughing or moving it too much because then it literally makes me bleed. Even right now as I type I'm coughing up a lung trying to get it out from my lungs (I've been pretty sick for the past few days, so it's moved into my lungs). All I know is that the first person who discovers and determines what's wrong with me will get a lifetimes reward of hugs from me, Oh, and speaking of this whole problem, May marked four years with this condition non-stop. Halla-friggen-luyah.
Now then, let's get to this weekend: my camping trip with my buds. Let me put it this way: seven teenagers (plus one when Gingie rode his bikein from Alliston) on two campsites with one tent plus lots of fire plus a giant lake equals one great weekend. Actually we had so much fun that the park warden wanted to join in! (Actually no, he came to yell at us at midnight for being to loud, which the girls had already said an hour before he showed up. Either way, we went swimming, played frisbee, sat around the fire, listened to music and overall just had a really good time. I love all of those guys, each and every one of them. Everyone has a special space in my heart. I can hardly wait for tomorrow night with prom.
Actually, I'm not really big on prom actually. I don't enjoy getting dressed up very much, especially in dresses or skirts. Then again, I do really like my dress, since I did design it myself (I love you Sewing Angel!). I don't know, maybe I'll just play it by year.
Finally, I have one more exciting piece of news: I have a job! It's so exciting I screamed so loud when they offered me one! I can't wait to help out. It'll make me feel that much more accomplished.
Well, I suppose that I should at least attempt to go to sleep and stop coughing and hacking constantly. The next time I'll come here, I'll hopefully have lots of prom pictures also. Until then, enjoy the song that we listened to so often during camping:

But first (since I couldn't call while camping like I was planning on doing)


Current Location: At Home
Current Mood: sleepysleepy
Current Music: Cough Cough -Blech
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